It’s been a few months since I’ve shared a blog post and over the past couple of days I’ve felt a need to do some deep reflection as to why that is. I’ve written several posts and many more topics have floated through my mind, but something was stopping me from finessing and sharing them.
A couple nights ago I decided to meditate on this and asked myself why I haven’t felt like sharing over the past few months (aside from the obvious global changes) and particularly after I was feeling such a strong desire to share channeled messages I’ve received over the past few years. I got a few different answers along with an old familiar feeling which I’ll share below since I think others will relate.
Writing for Inner Freedom
Back in January I felt a strong urge to share my experience about how I tapered off an antidepressant after 17 years and was also getting this strong impulse to make a supporting YouTube video for the topic. The idea of putting my face out there and sharing my story scared the crap out of me. I sat with the feeling and realized there was something deeper I needed to see.
The experience I had while writing the post mentioned above was intense, especially since I had started to read a book about trauma at that time called The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk. Because of the trauma I’ve experienced throughout my life, writing has been cathartic over the past 3 years and helps me see the trauma while bringing up feelings from those experiences I wasn’t able to comprehend or acknowledge at the time.
Directly following that, the universe brought different life experiences to show me where I needed to heal (aka see parts of my inner child) which I found funny. When we’re meant to heal something inside and we try to push it away or avoid it, the universe will show us one way or another through another person or experience. There’s no avoiding it when it’s time!
Yoga for Healing
By the end of February, I was feeling the urge to start doing yoga for the first time after avoiding it for so long instead of the gym. (See, avoiding could be my middle name!) I have two words:
I started practicing yoga every day in March and during the first 14 or so days cried every time I was on the mat. There was a lot that needed to be released and it also became quite apparent I was holding myself back in more ways than one. Even though I’ve been athletic most my life, when I was about to try certain poses for the first time, in my mind I’d think, “Oh I doubt I’ll be able to do that!” yet every single time I tried a new (beginner/intermediate) pose, I did it without any issues!! BIG a-ha moment! I thought, if I’m second guessing myself on a yoga pose, where else am I holding myself back??
Fitting in the Mold
While working in marketing for over 15 years, I had done plenty of writing in my career but it was always for a product or service and it also needed to fit a specific template or business mold so to speak. I had no problem putting words together for press releases, brochures, TV and radio scripts etc. however once I started marketing and writing for my business the way it felt best and intuitive for me, there was a level of freedom I hadn’t felt before! It was for a service but this time the service was something I truly believed in. I’ve since learned however there’s a huge difference between writing about a product or service and writing about feelings and personal experiences.
While I’ve drafted several different blog posts, I’ve found myself getting too caught up in the blog recommendations – a blog post should have X number of words, should have a call out, posting on certain days etc etc. and I found it exhausting. I agree some blogging best practices are worthwhile, but in my case it was hindering my ability to write.
So why was I trying to fit into this mold? There’s a couple reasons that came to me:
Safety. When any of us follow a template, there’s a certain level of perceived safety or security. For those of us with abandonment wounds, we will often try to do certain things that are predictable in order to avoid perceived abandonment or hurt.
Realign with Intention. If there’s one thing I’ve learned during my marketing career, it’s how much manipulation there is in our society. Over the past year I found myself falling back into lack mentality at times which caused me to grasp at some of the old manipulative marketing tactics. For example, while incorporating affiliate links to products on Amazon and even though I was transparent, I could feel the tension in my stomach because it didn’t align with my values and needed to revisit what felt right for me. (I’m no longer an Amazon affiliate.)
Believing in Ourselves
While a friend and I were chatting recently, I shared how at the time we met a few years ago I was at a very low point in my life and subconsciously watching other single parents to see how they managed everything on their own. After seeing how incredible a job she was doing raising her three children, I believe she had come into my life at that exact moment to help me believe in myself again and see what I was capable of.
The feeling I mentioned above that came up in meditation was the same feeling I had when I met this friend. It was surprising to see there is still a part of me today who doesn’t believe in myself and is very scared to be seen. I spent most my life feeling unseen, unheard and often received criticism for no reason at all so putting myself emotionally out there feels terrifying at times! In person and one-on-one, no problem because it feels safe and controlled but to share on this platform with the possibility of anybody seeing it? YIKES.
But here we are, I see the little scared me and am holding her close while moving forward and getting back to writing AND sharing!