I knew writing a blog would be a form of therapy, but I didn’t realize just how impactful the process would be. While writing How to Detox – Part 2, I was reflecting back to when I started using certain products and why I was driven to make specific changes in my environment. This process brought another layer of memories and experiences into my awareness I wasn’t expecting, and some were difficult to revisit.
At the same time, I came across this article on Gaia.com which listed the Eight Signs of a Kundalini Awakening, all of which resonated deeply and caused me to redirect my focus to this post for now. Those eight signs from Gaia’s post are:
- Things are Falling Apart, You Have a Nervous Breakdown or Your Old Life Isn’t Working
- Physical, Emotional and Energetic Symptoms
- Courage, Willingness and Desperation to Try New Things
- Miracles and Synchronicities Appear and You Receive Support From Unexpected Places
- Increased Sensitivity to External Things (Food, Media, People and Places)
- Awareness of Internal Energies, Intuition and Inner Truth
- Increased Compassion, Desire to Be of Service and Recognition of Oneness
- Sense of Purpose and Destiny
In this post I’m going to share some of my personal experience and how my life started to ‘fall apart’ so to speak, leading to my nervous breakdown which was a major turning point for my awakening.
Leading to a Nervous Breakdown
I had originally thought my awakening took place 2016, but this process recently showed me it had actually started in 2014, a time I was deeply unhappy and my health was suffering as a result.
At the time, I had developed a false persona so everyone around me wouldn’t know the truth of my reality and I pushed through everything, rarely taking time for myself to think or feel. I felt stuck in a full-time job that was unsatisfying, worked for unsupportive management while servicing a toxic client, and was starting to see the toxic reoccurring patterns more clearly in my marriage that were not changing for the better.
Just last week, I revisited some journal notes which may have been written prior to 2014 but were meant to be read again now. One of the notes to myself was questioning why I should stay married, while other notes listed many reasons I was unhappy. It’s a strange experience to read your own writing from years before an awakening. I’m a completely different person today compared to who I was then so it brought up a lot of grief for who I was and what I was feeling. I had been staying in a toxic marriage for years for the kids, not recognizing at the time how damaging that was for them or myself.
I had become incredibly insecure, and full of fear trying to control everything outside of myself in an attempt to feel safe and mask the lack of control I felt within. I became exhausted arguing about the same issues over and over and turned to over functioning as a way to cope. I was always “busy”. I became addicted to work, to online shopping, addicted to my cell phone to escape my reality and continued to put my kids before my self-care. I was subconsciously emotional eating and had gained the most weight to date, weighing just 3 pounds lighter than I weighed at full term with my first-born son. Also had psoriasis on my legs and the eczema would get pretty intense on my hands at times.
At the same time, this particular year was a turning point for my holistic healing journey.
At the beginning of 2014, I had an incident where I ate some bell peppers as usual, but the indigestion and pain in my abdomen was the worst I’d ever felt. After visiting an emergency room and being given morphine for the pain, Dr’s did a physical examination and x-rays confirming it was inflammation in the bowels. They didn’t have any solutions or recommendations, so this is when I started to do my own research and discovered the term leaky gut through Dr. Axe.
This is when I started to make significant changes in my home. Had stopped buying cow’s milk completely, reduced dairy consumption through other products and became increasingly interested in natural remedies.
By the end of 2014, my ex-husband became ill himself and was unable to work. I remember this being a pivotal time for a couple reasons. First, we were both experiencing how the full-time office jobs weren’t benefitting us and noticed the increased amount of people taking stress leave. It provided good money, but we were generally unhappy. Secondly, I remember making a conscious choice to no longer argue about the issues between us thinking if he was sick, I shouldn’t speak up and ‘cause’ an argument. Looking back, that was when I fully betrayed myself. I needed help but didn’t say so out of fear.
January 2015, I joined OrangeTheory Fitness and admit it was the first time in a long time I’d enjoyed exercising. I grew up quite active in sports so really missed taking part in a physical activity. I lost half my weight loss goal within the first six months and was starting to feel better, especially having some time to myself.
Early 2015 while my ex was still off work, knowing my interest in holistic health and desire to own a business, he mentioned the idea of starting a business together. Even though I wasn’t really interested in the service he suggested, I loved the idea of helping others especially after seeing the research proving this service and tool was helping others. The plan was for me to help with the startup process but once it opened, I’d be responsible for marketing and bookkeeping while he managed the business, and I continued to work in marketing outside the business.
I jumped in on this opportunity and spent countless hours writing the business plan, while deep down (and unconsciously) desperately hoping this business was going to be the cure for my marriage.
While my ex had gone back to work, we had secured funding and were looking for a business space to lease. About the time we signed the lease however, my ex left his full-time job without speaking with me first in hopes of starting the construction for the business space right away. (If you’re married, please discuss any job changes together – especially if that decision affects more than just yourself. The amount of stress that goes onto the other person is significant, even if it’s not noticeable on the outside.)
By this point, I had developed learned hopelessness. I felt an incredible loss of control which was very scary, not realizing at the time this was happening FOR me, and not TO me.
With only one income at this point, the construction permit was delayed by 5 months. That was 5 months of paying a lease with nothing in the space while taking money out of the marketing budget.
While cross country skiing in January 2016, I didn’t listen to the instructor and fell back on the metal skis fracturing my tail bone. The universe was telling me to slow down but I stubbornly continued to push myself working a full-time job, countless hours for the business startup, home, kids and continued to go the gym with modified workouts. During the same month, the company I worked for lost a major client that accounted for a significant portion of the agency’s revenue, and the owners decided to bankrupt the company after months of indecision for how to move forward with the business. The number of tears I had cried from January to April couldn’t be counted.
Another agency came in to offer a few of us employment with the underlying expectation that we bring clients with us. I took the job even though I really didn’t want to and didn’t comply with bringing clients so was let go after 3 months, not coincidentally two weeks before my business was ready to open its doors.
As we were opening, the landlord for the business advised he sold the building. The people who bought the building however, were medical doctors and were opening not only a family practice, but also a pharmacy directly above us whereas our holistic health service was to help others naturally reduce stress and pain while avoiding the toxic pharmaceuticals that were creating additional health problems. Long story short, they were trying to push us out from day one even though we had invested a significant amount of money and months of construction at that point.
One of their tactics was to increase the monthly costs during the first month of opening so we couldn’t afford rent (or eventually sell the business), so as a means to survive and keep the business open, I ended up doing a lot more work for the business than originally planned while also working a freelance job to pay the bills at home.
By September 2016, my consciousness was expanding and seeing things from a newfound clarity. My ex wasn’t going to change, and things had become the worst they’d ever been. He had decided to work long hours and opted to stay even later for some clients, which left all the responsibility at home to me and it was truly feeling like I was a single parent – but with plenty of resentment. I was starting to believe I was capable of being a single parent and would be OK.
By end of November, I experienced a nervous breakdown. We were just making ends meet and severely overworked. My body couldn’t take it anymore. The universe was telling me to stop resisting and it was time to not only see the truth but come to terms with it. It’s a feeling I will never forget and will continue to serve as a reminder to honour myself so it doesn’t happen again.
It’s very true what they say: within the nervous breakdown, lies the breakthrough! Also when my heart chakra opened propelling major changes in my life, making my kundalini awakening even more… interesting.